Heartbreak . . .

This morning as I hugged and kissed my son and put him on his school bus, tears welled up in my eyes. Tears for the families who should be putting their kids on the school bus this morning and can't. Tears for the families that will have to put their kids back on the bus and send them to school after such a tragedy has occurred. Tears for my own son knowing there is no way I can protect him and keep him completely safe.

In the wake of Friday's tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary, I have been trying to compose my thoughts and feelings to share with you. The struggle comes in that there are absolutely no words. No words to describe how horrific the whole situation is. No words to express how completely heartbroken I am for those families involved.

I spent Friday watching the news, but mostly getting my information online so I wouldn't have to expose my kids to the tragedy. I had to spend the rest of the weekend with the news turned off because I simply could not watch it anymore.

I cannot begin to imagine what the families of those who lost their lives are going through. You expect to send your child to school and for them to return home safe. Those sweet children got up Friday morning, expecting it to be like any other day. Ready for the weekend to spend time with their families. Excited for Christmas to be here so soon. And all of that was taken from them. From their families. Twenty-six families will be spending the holidays with a huge hole in their hearts. How can they pick up the pieces and move on? I honestly do not know. All I know is it is devastatingly heart wrenching to even think about.

There is nothing anyone can do or say to help ease the grief those families must be feeling. All we can do is offer our empathy, love, and prayers.

I want to share the United Way page for Newtown in case you are looking for a tangible way to help. You can find the information for making a donation to help the victims. United Way of Western Connecticut

Fake It Until You Make It

I originally started a blog as a way to stay connected with my family and friends and share my thoughts on mommyhood. 

Over time, it evolved into a craft blog. I realized I love to write, but also to share my creativity. I love to inspire others to realize you don't have to be super 'crafty' to be able to create beautiful things. I love to share tutorials with everyone, but I still want to be able to share snippets of my life with you. And that is part of the reason I separated out The Silva Stories from Laura's Crafty Life.

This has been weighing heavily on my mind. I have been debating whether or not to actually hit publish. I am not sure if I should share something so personal with all of the internet world to see. But, I also realize that by sharing, I might be able to help someone else going through something similar. So despite all my reservations about writing something so personal, I am going to hit publish. Today.

 

I have to start off by giving a little background information. Two times in my past I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. Once, in high school and another time at the end of my college years in 2001. 

The first time in high school I was still mourning my mother's death. She passed away when I was 8 years old, and I don't think I had ever really processed my grief. After some serious counseling, I felt like myself again - actually even better than my old self.

 

In my last semester of college, I was under immense stress to complete the two degrees I was working towards. I was completely burnt out from being a nearly straight-A student all my life. I put a ton of pressure on myself to excel and the weight of it just came down on me like a ton of bricks. 

Needless to say, that was the worst semester I have ever had at school. That time around I was able to do cognitive behavioral therapy with a great therapist and it worked wonders! 

 

I have read studies showing that people who suffer depression once are much more susceptible to becoming depressed again. Since college, I have suffered some times of feeling not quite myself or a little sad, but nothing I couldn't pull myself out of. I used the techniques I learned in therapy to pull my mood around.

 

Fast forward to the past few months. I am sinking. There is no other way to describe it other than I feel like I am drowning. And I can't seem to pull myself out of it this time. I don't enjoy doing the things I once enjoyed doing. The responsibilities of being a mom and a wife all just seem to be too much to bear. Even the littlest things take the most amount of energy.

 

Let me preface this by saying there is a lot going on that is contributing to my not feeling so great. One of the biggest issues I have is a two and a half year old that still doesn't sleep through the night. 

That means more than 2 and a half years of not getting a good night's sleep. If you have ever missed a few nights' sleep, you know how this can negatively affect your mood. Times this by almost 1,000 days and you could see how this wouldn't be great. For anyone.

 

I have also been feeling very isolated lately. I have a lot of friends but don't really have a 'best' friend (other than my husband). There is definitely something to be said for having a great girlfriend to talk to and share with. And right now in my life, there is not anyone that fills that void for me.

 

I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband. He is my rock in hard times. And I am so grateful that he has supported me in talking about all this with him. I have been shutting him out and that is not fair at all. 

I feel so bad that right now I am not the wife he married. And I think by talking to him about it, sharing it with some of my family, and now sharing it here I am starting to feel like I can move forward.

 

Depression is a strange thing. As much as you need or want to talk about it, you sometimes just can't. Some of that stems from being worried about people judging you. Some of it comes from the lack of energy to do anything, let alone have an emotional talk about what you are feeling (that more than likely the other person isn't really going to understand). And some of it comes from not wanting to admit to yourself that you are anything other than happy.

 

But now that I have admitted to myself that I am heading down that road to depression again, which I so desperately want to avoid, I know what I need to do to move forward. Essentially, I have to 'fake it 'til I make it'. I have to just do those things that used to make me happy and I know eventually I will find some peace and happiness in those activities.

And that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to move forward and try to enjoy all of life's blessings because there truly are so so many.

I know this was an extremely heavy post. And I thank you to those of you who made it all the way to the end with me. I hope my experience can someone help someone else out there, if by nothing else than to help you realize you are not alone! 

 

Please note, I am not a therapist and if you are feeling overly sad or not quite right you should definitely see your doctor. It is always okay to seek the help you need.

Earrings and a Handmade Card

I have been going through my digital picture files on my computer and getting them all organized (finally). I have been coming across pictures of projects I had planned on blogging about, but haven't gotten around to yet. For the next few weeks, you will be seeing some of these posts.  And at the end, I will share a post with how I organize all those pictures on my computer. So a win, win for everyone, right? ;)

Last year for my sister-in-law's birthday, I handmade some earrings and a card for her birthday.

The earrings were made from silver findings and green glass beads. I really love the way they turned out. (And I am sure they look beautiful on her!)

If you have been scared to create earrings, don't be! These were very simple to make. To create each earring, I used a silver headpin, two green glass beads in two different sizes, a silver spacer bead, and a silver fishhook ear wire. 

Start by stringing your beads onto the headpin. You will create a simple loop at the top of your headpin. Then, just attach the loop you just made to the loop on the fish hook ear wire. 

Here is a great online tutorial on how to make the simple loop: Making a Simple Loop

I got the idea for making this simple card from one of my favorite blogs, Little Lovelies.

To create the card, I cut a basic card shape from kraft card stock. Using my clear stamps, I stamped a birthday hat image three times onto the card as well as 'Happy Birthday'. I then stamped the birthday hat shape onto three different types of patterned paper. I cut out each hat shape and glued them over the stamped image on the card!

I hope this inspires you to make something handmade the next time you are giving a gift. I know, I always love to receive things someone took the time and care to make him/herself! Have you made any handmade gifts lately?

Photo a Day July: Instagram

I followed along with Fat Mum Slim's photo-a-day challenge via Instagram again this month. I did a little better in June with getting pictures taken, but it is still fun even if you don't get to all of them!

 Basically, the idea is, that she gives you a photo prompt for the day, you take a picture using the prompt and share it via Instagram,  Facebook, Twitter, or all three!

 

Day 1: self portrait. This is as good as it gets after being outside and in the pool

Day 2: Busy with laundry and cleaning up the house 
Day 3: The best part of my day - these sweet faces 
Day 4: Family fun - mini golf with the kids
Day 5: on the floor - nothing! The house is picked up and the kiddos are in bed
Day 6: Chair. This chair is getting a lot of use in our house (by the 2-year-old,not the cat!) 
Day 7: Our garden
Day 8: lunch - frozen pizza and raspberries
Day 9: Big rain we finally filled up the dog's pool! It has been months.
Day 10: my favorite color - right now it is this really turquoise color
Day 11: letter
Day 12: texture - homemade zucchini bread with zucchini from the garden
Day 13: So nice to have an open door with the cooler weather and rain
Day 14: Lego building is a daily occurrence at our house
Day 15: Finger. My nails are actually growing. I am excited.
Day 16: Sneak peek of a sign I made for my craft room
Day 17: My addiction

Day 18: Plate - on my plate - giant blackberries from our vine

Day 19: animal/insect/pet - our outside "pet" Buddy 

Day 20: Eyes. Can you guess if this is my son or my daughter?

Day 21:

Day 22: Upside down 

Day 23: Mirror. This was in my room when I was little. I redid it in college and will redo it again for my daughter. 
Day 24: 
Day 25:

Day 26: Sunshine.

Day 27: On the road to a summer concert

Day 28: Cup. The only way I can drink water - with a straw!

Day 29: last thing you bought - school supplies! 

Day 30: Calm = reading a good book in a freshly made bed
Day 31: toothbrush


Here were the challenges for July:

 

 

I ended up missing three days. I use Instagram on my iPod and don't always have it with me, so sometimes I have to play catch up and post a couple of photos in one day. I am excited to play along again this month. Maybe I will get all 30 pictures!

 

Do you want to play along this month? Here is the list for Photo a Day August. 

Photo a Day June: Instagram

 This last month I decided I would follow along with Fat Mum Slim's photo-a-day challenge via Instagram. Basically she gives you a photo prompt for the day, you take a picture using the prompt and share it via Instagram,  Facebook , Twitter, or all three!

Here were the challenges for June!

 

Here are all the pictures I took!

Day 1: Morning.
Day 2: The pool is empty but not for long!
Day 3: on your plate  - getting organized for the week! 
Day 4: closeup of my beautiful garden roses 
Day 5: Started walking (maybe running)? again. Saw this on my walk. sign
Day 6: Gardening hat for this incredibly fair-skinned lady 
Day 7: drink to get me through my afternoon slump 
Day 8: 6:00 pm Last t-ball game
Day 9: My view from my front porch
Day 10: Best bit of my weekend? Homemade strawberry ice cream
Day 11: Dirty doors are a way of life in a house full of kids and pets 
Day 12: Picture of my favorite fur baby - low angle 
Day 13: My favorite art (I am partial b/c I painted it!) 
Day 14: Craft time! Just received my plaid crafts giveaway box
Day 15: My pretty yellow peony
Day 16: Out and about
Day 17: in my bag - all the goodies needed to make my niece some doll clothes

Day 18: Something you don't know about me? I have a weird obsession with pens

Day 19: My imperfect mess of a craft room! 

Day 20: 

Day 21: Where I slept - kitties and all :) 

Day 22: high angle - our little patch of the Midwest in the southwest 

Day 23: movement - My kid's favorite game - run around, run around

Day 24: On my mind - all the things on my to-do list! 

Day 25: Something cute - my cat Smeagol

Day 26: Where I shop - the greatest store ever. 

Day 27: My hideous baby poop-colored bathroom. Nice huh? 

Day 28: My favorite butterfly jar on my kitchen shelf 

Day 29: Soft. My favorite blanket to snuggle with on the couch

Day 30: Friend. A picture of me and my best friend (my hubby)

 

This was my first time playing along. I did pretty well and only completely missed one day (day 20). I use Instagram on my iPod and don't always have it with me, so sometimes I have to play catch up. It was definitely fun to capture moments from everyday life! This would make such a great photo book at the end of the year! 

 

Do you want to play along this month? Here is the list for Photo a Day July. 

Summer Fun 2012

Summer break has officially started for us. I am slowly coming up with ideas to keep the kids busy (and Mommy from going crazy from repeated - "I'm bored" - requests).

I created a list of fun activities we can do as a family throughout the summer. Some are pre-planned activities I know we are doing and others are activities to do when we don't have any plans. These particular activities will likely be done on the weekends when Dad is home with us.

Our list of activities:

• fishing
• camping
• local pool
• zoo
• baseball game
• bubbles
• sprinklers
• summer movies (our local theater has inexpensive summer kid's movies)
• homemade ice cream 
• go on a hike
• picnic
• pink jeep tour
• library program (our children's library has a summer reading program with a lot of fun local guests to entertain and educate the kids)
• tabletop s' mores
• pool party
• mini golf
• summer concert
• water balloon fight
• garden
• playdates
• chalk
• fly a kite

Being a craft blogger, I had the overwhelming urge to go all out and make something with card stock and embellishments and basically just over-do it. But, this time, I just needed to keep it simple. I used a large piece of kid's art paper and different colored markers. Anyone can do this in about 10 minutes. It helps to include the kids in coming up with some ideas of fun things they would like to do.

We have already checked one item off the list - camping, and tomorrow we get to cross off another - pink jeep tour in Sedona.

Happy Birthday . . . to Me!

Today is my birthday. I am turning 33. I got the sweetest good morning from my son. I woke up a little bit before him. He walked out into the living room with his super sleepy eyes and before he said anything else, he said to me in his super excited voice, "Happy Birthday Mommy. Now you are 33!". It was one of those moments that makes being a mommy all worthwhile.

I have to admit. Lately, I have been in a real funk. I can't put my finger on what is not right, but it is something. Mostly I am just burnt out! I don't like to use the word 'should', but I should be happy. I have a great husband, two awesome kids, I get to be a stay at home mom like I always wanted. Somewhere along the way, though, I think I have lost a little of myself.

I am sure some of you other moms out there can relate. I tend to put myself last. I am the last one to start eating at dinner. Only after everyone has what they need do I sit down and actually eat myself. I am the last one to get dressed and ready in the morning, only after the kids are up and ready to go. I make their breakfast, comb hair, help them get dressed, get their teeth brushed, get all of our stuff ready to go, pack snacks and diapers and anything else we might need while we are out. Then, and only then, do I get ready myself.

Now, please don't think I am complaining. I love being a mom, but I am having a hard time having anything to give them right now since I am not taking very good care of myself. For me, it is so hard. I feel tremendous guilt when I do things for myself. As if I should be doing something else! It is so silly. How can I think I can take care of anyone else if I am not taking care of myself? I have written about taking care of yourself as a mom before, and it is the time I take some of my own advice!

So, with this new birthday, I am going to start taking care of myself. Putting my needs first. I can't do that all time, nor should I, but at least some of the time I need to do things I want to do, just because I want to do them. I need to stop making excuses for why I can't/won't/shouldn't get out of the house without the kids. And I really need to start making exercise and sleep a priority so that when the kiddos are in bed I am not completely wiped out and can focus on what I love to do - crafting!

Thank you for reading along with me on this journey we call life! I am excited to start feeling like myself again.

WIW: Wedding

Monday was my seven-year wedding anniversary. It also happened to be Megan's (from Absolute Mommy) seventh wedding anniversary as well. She is doing a linky party for WIW: Weddings. I knew right away I wanted to join in the fun!

As a DIY kind of gal, I handmade most of our wedding decorations myself. Pretty much anything that you could have hired out or purchased was made by me (with a little help from family and friends). Every moment of our entire wedding celebration I had some hand in. This made our wedding affordable, but also so meaningful to me. Some day I will have to share a post or two about all of those projects - they were long before my blogging days!

 

It truly was one of the happiest days of my life, especially because I married my best friend! I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband and happy life.

 

Now, onto the pictures. 

 

 

Dress: David's Bridal

Shoes: Dillard's (clearance for about $10!)

Veil: Handmade by me

 

 

I loved my dress. I wanted a white gown, but with my fair skin, I ended up getting one that was ivory and it was perfect!

 

 

My earrings and my bracelet belonged to my mom. This was really important to me to include special items that belonged to her. (For those of you who are new to my blog - my mom passed away from breast cancer when I was 8 years old.) My something blue was my garter. 

 

 

I didn't know the photographer took this one, but it is one of my favorites! I loved that he captured me coming out the door, not knowing my picture was being taken. I guess you could say this truly captures 'me'.

 

My tiara I ordered on eBay and the flowers I arranged myself the night before the wedding. My bridesmaids helped me to create all the flowers for the wedding party.

 

 

 

Here I was waiting (a little nervously I might add) to be walked down the aisle. The funny thing was, I was airing myself out. I was so hot and sweaty, I think partly because of nerves. I was incredibly happy, but I am not a huge fan of having all eyes on me.

 

 

The happy couple! :)

 

 

 

 

In this picture, you can see more details of the dress. It was beaded all along the bust and halter. It also had beading all along the bottom.

 

Cutting the cake - would you believe we got the cake from a grocery store bakery? The flowers on the top I made myself. 

 

 

I was nice about feeding the cake . . .

 

 

My new husband, not so much! He actually only got me a little bit on the tip of my nose.

 

Just looking at these pictures makes me happy. It was nice to have a walk down memory lane!

Spring is Here!

Remember when I posted about how much I love bulbs last year? This is why . . .

Just as I am beginning to think spring will never come, these little beauties pop out of the ground. They are so sunny and happy and definitely make me think "Spring"!

And I love that they take so little effort. I am a low maintenance kind of gardener (except for my actual vegetable garden).

Soon, we will be getting blooms from our irises and tulips, also. I can't wait.

The craziest part? Two days ago, we had this weather:

See that arrow? That is where one of the little daffodils was buried! It had already bloomed, so I figured for sure it would be dead after this freak snowstorm we had. But, luckily those little guys survived. And the weather this weekend is supposed to be beautiful and in the high 60s! 

My Memories Suite Software v3

 For those of you not familiar with this software, head on over to their website and check it out. From the My Memories website:

"MyMemories Suite v3 software is a complete digital scrapbooking solution that provides a comprehensive powerful set of creative tools no other scrapbook software can offer. With its intuitive workspace and enhanced time-saving features, this application is perfect for a beginner to create a complete album in minutes, or to empower the design pro to build a scrapbook album masterpiece. "

They offer an easy-to-use digital scrapbooking software that you can use to create beautiful scrapbook pages in just minutes. And sharing your pages is as easy as a click of your mouse. You can build a page from scratch or use one of their many pre-designed templates.

Following are a couple of pages I made with the software:

 

The above page was made using the May Flowers Quickpage that I downloaded for free from the My Memories website. I added my pictures from my daughter's birthday. Then, I added the Happy Birthday and 2012 text. Lastly, I added brads in each corner (these are included in a ton of colors and styles within the software).

 

 

A new feature that was added when they created version 3 was the calendar template. You can easily create customizable calendars. This feature is included with the software. The above calendar was created using elements from the Eskimo Kiss free download (no longer available). 

I added the calendar template, used a paper background, and then added embellishments - snow border on the bottom, icicles on the top and snowflakes throughout. The options are really endless here for making a calendar.

 

 

Remember this Important Dates Sign I made last year? I created this with the My Memories software as well! There is just so much you can do with this software!

 

From downloading the software to creating a page, My Memories Suite v3 software is easy enough for a beginner but has enough elements to make even a seasoned scrapbooker happy. They offer so many free and inexpensive downloads on their website.

 

Remembering Mom on her Birthday

I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling through my head and heart today. Today is what would have been my mom's 60th birthday!

For those of you who are new to my blog, my mom passed away when I was 8 years old from breast cancer. She was only 32 when she was first diagnosed. This year has been particularly hard for me because I am now 32. My son is the same age I was when my mom was diagnosed. It is hard to imagine what she must have gone through. Now that I am a mom myself, I can not even begin to imagine what that would have been like. And the thought of it terrifies me.

My Mom and Me

I guess what amazes me even more than the fact that she got breast cancer, was her upbeat attitude about it. I know I have a skewed perception of what she was going through since I was only a child, but if I remember nothing else, I remember her always being there for me. And even going above and beyond in so many ways. She sewed clothes for me and my dolls. She was my Brownie Troop leader, she attended my brother's sporting events. If it were me, I don't know that I would have even been able to get out of bed.

My Mom in High School

On anniversaries like this, I often find myself playing the "what if" game. I know it doesn't get me anywhere and it is hardly productive, but it is hard not to. What would my life be like if she hadn't died when I was so young? Would I live in Arizona? Would I have chosen a different career path? Would we be best friends? Would I be a better seamstress? Would I know how to crochet and knit? Would we have had a falling out in my teen years as so many kids and their parents do?

My Mom with me and my two brothers

Would I be a different person? Obviously the answer is yes and no. I would be a completely different person than I am now, and I would also be the same. These are the thoughts that go through my head. Are they logical? Probably not.

I was talking with my husband today about it being my mom's birthday. My son (age 5) overheard our conversation. Here is what he said,

     Thomas: "Did your mommy die?"
     Me: "Yes."
     Thomas: "But today is her birthday?"
     Me: "Yes."
     Thomas: "Are we going to celebrate it?"
     Me: "No, we aren't."
    Thomas: "But every year when someone has a birthday they grow and grow."

How do you respond to that? It breaks my heart each and every day my children have never met my mom. And there are fleeting moments, when I will look at my son or daughter and see my mom's face staring back at me. I try to make it a point to talk about my mom to my kids, but I hardly knew her myself.

Favorite picture of my Mom with her brothers

She looks so happy!

I miss my mom. I wish I could give her a hug. I wish she could come over and take care of me when I am sick. I wish she could hug and hold her grandchildren. I wish she could have met my husband and seen me get married. I wish I could have her over for a weekly dinner. I wish for so many things.

But most of all, I wish my mom a Happy Birthday up in heaven! I know she is smiling down on my brothers and me right now.

I love you, Mom.